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Pete Lewis
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on the last forum there was a jokes section which attracted some good banter...here's a start

 

 

Concert seating

 

Concert seats for seniors




          An old man lay across three entire seats at a concert.




When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,



"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."




The old man didn't budge.




The usher became more impatient.



"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."




Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.




The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he

returned with the manager.




Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled

man, but with no success.




Finally they summoned the police.




The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right

buddy what's your name?"




"Fred," the old man moaned.




"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.




With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;




"The balcony"....... 

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A Triumph fan was walking down the main street when he looks in the window of an old curiosity shop and spots an unusual ornament, a brass rat. He goes into the shop and asks the price. "£10" replies the owner "or £20 with the story behind it."

I don't need the story thinks the buyer and hands over £10.

Off he goes down the street, whistling happily. A street away he looks over his shoulder and there, running along some distance behind him, is a rat. He thinks nothing of it until he reaches the next intersection and as he waits for the lights to change, he looks behind him. There are now three rats running towards him. He speeds up slightly but on next glancing over his shoulder, there are twenty rats. He now starts to get worried and really speeds up. Looking behind, there are now over a hundred rats all running after him. He really starts to panic and begins to run but as he runs, the rats keep up with him, more and more until there are thousands. He's sprinting now, there are tens of thousands of rats covering the road behind him and he starts to tire. He reaches the bridge across the river and is so tired he can barely continue. Then he realises he is still carrying the brass rat which is solid and quite heavy. In a desperate attempt to run faster he throws it over the side and into the water whereupon all the rats jump in after it and are soon drowned. 

Ten minutes later he's back at the old curiosity shop. 

"Come for the story?" asks the owner.

"Never mind the story" says our Triumph fan, "Got any brass MGs?"

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected.  Winston Churchill loved them. 

Some examples:  

 

1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 

2.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.   

3.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

5.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom isnot putting it in a fruit salad.   

6.   They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.  

7.   To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism.  To steal from many is called research.  

 

8.   In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency', notify:  I put 'DOCTOR.'

9.   I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was blaming you.  

10.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.  

11.  Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

12.   A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

13.   I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.

14.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.

 

15.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

16.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

17.  Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

And my personal favorite:

 

18.  I am not arguing with you, I am just explaining why you are wrong.  

  

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“Hello, you have reached the Men’s Help Line, my name is Barry. How can I help you?”


 


“Hi Barry, my name is John and I really need your advice on a serious problem.”


 


“I have suspected for some time now my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. The phone rings and when I answer the caller hangs up. She has been buying a lot of new clothes and she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot.


 


I decided to watch from the garage for her to come home last night; so I hid behind my GT6 and waited for her.


 


After midnight she got out of someone else’s car, buttoning her blouse and putting her shoes back on.


 


It was when I was crouched behind the GT6 that I noticed a crack in the bumper mounting bracket.”


 


“So my question is, ‘is this something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?’ ”


 


Boom Boom !!


 


 


 


 


 


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THE BAPTIST CHURCH DINNER

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialise, and to play games. They decided to visit one another’s homes on a rotational basis when each lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialised, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

 

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

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Farmer Jake was having problems in the 'bedroom' department.

One day Seth called on him and found him dancing naked in front of the barn full of farm machinery. 'What you be doin' Jake' he asked.

'Well' said Jake 'I went to see one of these yer theropist about the misses. They told me it might help if I did do something sexy to a tractor (to attract her).'

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  • 3 weeks later...

I take no responsibility for this - last week one of our customers (S'burys') left behind their shopping list, written on the back of a printed out e-mailed joke, the gist of which goes:-

 

'Three fella's were discussing where to go to celebrate their 30th birthdays. They decided on Weatherspoons in Plymouth, well the bar-maids, wore short skirts and had big --- (blue eyes).

Ten years latter they were discussing where to go for their 40th birthdays. They decided on Weatherspoons in Plymouth, the food is good and the beer excellent.

Ten years on and the discussion was for their 50th. The decision - Weatherspoons Plymouth. It has a good carpark, near at hand so you don't get wet if it rains.

Another ten years, and its the 60th, this time its Weatherspoons Plymouth, well its very comfortable and the loos are always clean.

Yet another ten years and they are looking for somewhere for their 70th, They decide on Weatherspoons in Plymouth, they  can't remember if they've been there before.'

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This guy on a bridge was about to jump.


I said, "Don't do it!"


He said, "Nobody loves me."


I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"


He said, "Yes."


I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"


He said, "A Christian."


I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"


He said, "Protestant."


I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"


He said, "Baptist."


I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"


He said, "Northern Baptist."


I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"



 

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."


I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"


He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."


I said, "Me, too!  Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"


He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."


I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


 


Homage to Emo Phillips


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An elderly gentleman.... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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  • 2 weeks later...

Jesus is ready to finally go up to Heaven so he calls all the disciples together for a final meeting.

As he addresses them he notices Peter keeps looking about him, so he raises his voice a bit. This doesn't work, so he starts to lift off the ground, Heavenwards. Peter continues to talk and look about him. Finally he loses his temper with Peter constantly looking around and not paying attention as he floats away and tells him off.

"Sorry Lord" says Peter "but I can't concentrate, I've been diagnosed with Ascension Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder..." 

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  • 2 weeks later...

extracts of Victoria Wood RIP

"My children won’t even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable."

"My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar."

"People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly."

"We'd like to apologise to viewers in the north. It must be awful for them."

"I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years."

"Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597."

"I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry."

“I know I’ve got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve got a lifesaving certificate but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.”

“I looked up the symptoms of pregnancy ... moody, irritable, big bosoms ... I've obviously been pregnant for thirty-six years.”
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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his garage.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
  
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
  
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.” The  mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?
  
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!”

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  • 2 months later...

 

        A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two    people showed up......

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a
drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her
mid-twenties

The circus owner tells them, I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two
had better be good or you're history."

Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun ......

 

Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps
right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and
begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous
brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect
naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly
crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several
minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says,
"That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

 

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks,
"Can you top that?"

 

The old golfer replies,

 

"Possibly...
but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

 

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A local Primary School goes to Belfast zoo and is met by the Zoo manager.

"I'll bet you're excited!" he tells them "What animal do you really want to see?"

"The Panda!!" they all shout.

"I'm sorry" says the manager. "We don't have a Panda. what other animal would you like to see?"

"The Panda!!" shout all the kids.

"We really don't have a Panda, but we have other animals. What's your favourite?"

"The Panda!!!" shout all the children.

"I'll tell you what....." says the manager... "let's have a spelling contest first. How many f's in giraffe?"

After a pause a little girl shouts "Two!"

"Very good" says the manager. "Now, how many f's in buffalo?"

After some thought another child shouts: "Two!"

"Very good" says the manager again... "Now: how many f's in Panda?"

After a little bit of head scratching and conferring one little boy puts up his hand.

"There is no f in Panda"...

"Exactly!" says the manager "That's what I'm trying to tell you...."

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Keep sharp in retirement!

As we slowly move through (or into) retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.

Like this guy!

439595.jpg

I know, I saw it right away too.... 

No safety glasses or hearing protection.

 

And I caught something else that is really 

important: He has no gloves on.

 

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as 

a tack!

 

 
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In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and
more people who send text messages and emails have long
forgotten the "art" of capitalisation.
 
Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the
statement below. I cannot stress enough how grammar is very
important to it.
 

Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 
Is everybody clear on that?    

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  • 1 month later...

 

 

 

 

The 100 MPH Goat

 

 

 

Two West Virginia rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

 

 

 

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

 

 

 

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

 

 

 

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

 

 

 

 

 

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.

 

 

 

 

 

They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them.

 

 

 

 

 

They turn around just in time to see a goat come crashing through the underbrush at extremely high speed, run up to the hole and, with absolutely no hesitation, jump in headfirst.

 

 

 

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up to them.

 

 

 

 

 

"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

 

 

 

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . . headfirst into this here hole!!"

 

 

 

The old farmer says, "Naw, that's impossible ... 

 

 

 

I had him chained to a transmission."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

 

George Carlin

 

 

 

 

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