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Pete Lewis
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After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling.
When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. 

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondles them, and kisses them passionately.

A side glance at her husband, he then put his hand up her skirt, ripped her G-String off, and fondled her wildly, while her husband Mark watched with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

Jacqueline, flushed, tried to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays,I play golf.'
 

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A man was taking a group of young adults with learning difficulties on a day out to a theme park. On the way back they stop at a pub for a few drinks. He walks up to the landlord at the bar. "Hi i'm the team leader of the support group. They have learning difficulties so they can struggle with things like money. They might try and pay for the drinks with Jam Jar lids or milk bottle tops. Just go along with it, let them have the drinks and i'll settle the bill at the end. They're having a good time and the drinks are flowing. The bell rings for closing time and they all get back on to the coach to go home. The barman calls over the team leader as he's about to leave. "Excuse me but you haven't paid the bill. Your group had a lot of drinks and I accepted the milk bottle tops and jam jar lids like you said". " Oh yes sorry, thanks for doing that and reminding me". "Now have you got change for a dustbin lid".

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32 minutes ago, Chris A said:

poppyman, you posted that on Tuesday, but thanks for doing it as it proves my memory is ok 😁

Oh god, whats happening to me :(  Doug, where are you when i need you :)  I will post the one i meant to post...

Tony.

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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem. The magician had a parrot in the act and the parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!” or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. In fact, the act became a comedy act and the magician was in demand on every cruise ship. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician, luckily, found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea and , as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days. and then 3 days. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship? "

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3 hours ago, 68vitesse said:

With that large jar on the fore deck not surprised they couldn't see the iceberg.

Regards

Paul.

If only they'd waited a hundred years or so, with global warming there's not enough ice floating about anymore to even make an ice cube...

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There have been "Dafter" ideas that where at least orignally taken seriuosly, here`s a water shortage example?:-

By Tim Smedley21st September 2018

As South Africa faces ever more severe water shortages, some experts are seriously considering a proposal to harvest Antarctic icebergs and haul them to Cape Town. What are the chances it will succeed?

If towing icebergs to hot, water-stressed regions sounds totally crazy to you, then consider this: the volume of water that breaks off Antarctica as icebergs each year is greater than the total global consumption of freshwater. And that stat doesn’t even include Arctic ice. This is pure freshwater, effectively wasted as it melts into the sea and contributes to rising sea levels. Does it sound less crazy now?

This untapped flow of water has enticed scientists and entrepreneurs for over a century. There were 19th-Century schemes to deliver by steam-boat to India, and to supply breweries in Chile. In the 1940s, John Isaacs of the Scripps Oceanographic Institute proposed towing an iceberg to San Diego to quench a Californian drought. In the 1970s, Saudi Prince Mohamed Al-Faisal wanted to tow an Antarctic iceberg across the equator to Saudi Arabia, and funded two international conferences on the subject. The EU received proposals in the 2010s to tow an iceberg from Newfoundland to the Canary Islands.

Pete

 

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