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Pete Lewis

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Ever since I  was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at  night.

So I went to a  shrink and told him:

“I've got  problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.   I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.”

"Just put  yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. 

"Come talk to  me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those  fears.”

“How much do  you charge?”

“One hundred  fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on  it,” I said.

Six months  later the doctor met me on the street.

“Why didn't you  come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked. 

“Well, $150 a  visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.  A bartender cured me  for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a  new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?”  With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure  you?”

“He told me to  cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there now.” 

It's  always better to get a second opinion



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Nicked from faceache. 

Anybody get stressed about Christmas Dinner ? Read this from a Sheffield butchers .

I’ve pinched this, but it’s fab!! 

Patterson’s Butchers Sheffield

😂Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day..............!  😂
Here's my top tip 
🎄Christmas Dinner....
I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!! 
The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains. 🍷🍷🍷

🙄We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes...💓

1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked!👏🏼

2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs,pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if thats what he spends to make stuffing!)😜
What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking 😉.

3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one aswell....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto!
I ( nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour,cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy 😠😠😠

4. Vegetables...🍆 Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough!

5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same 😉.

6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl!
(oh and while we're on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)

7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!

Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.

And Finally.....
Rant over 😂
🎄Merry Christmas!🎄

Cheers 🍷🍷🍷

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