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Pete Lewis
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Winston Churchill loved Paraprosdokians, which are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous:

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

They begin the evening news with "Good Evening," then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay-checks.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put, "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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4 hours ago, Pete Lewis said:

have they got one for prostrate  corkage  ??????????

My prostate doesn't need a cork! A corkscrew perhaps. 

I believe once upon a time a very long corkscrew WAS the treatment for prostate problems :o

Doug

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The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.
There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?  “Fishing”, replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me”.
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smartass, cannot resist asking,
"So, how many fish have you caught today?"
"You're the 6th", replied the old man.

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A new and easy test for COVID-19 doing the rounds. Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it. If you can then you are halfway there. Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!!

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