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Pete Lewis
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ORDERING PIZZA TODAY...

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number.
GOOGLE: No sir. Google bought Gordon's Pizza.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with 3 cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms & meatballs.
CALLER: OK! That's what I want ...
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only one box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Walgreens, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me!
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

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My daughter got this from a friend. 

covid.thumb.jpg.0cb163c14d6fa30e704d8b05bb9e52aa.jpg

While it is fake news there is some truth.

My IOS was updated last week. Under Settings, Privacy, Health, appears "COVID-19 Exposure Logging" It is turned off, in fact you can't turn it on unless the COVID app is installed.

Google and Apple are still working on the app, but it appears the frame work to run it has already been installed in preparation.

Doug

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Darling daughter is in her room self-isolating after a scumbag from Down South spat in her face and told her he had Covid. She's waiting on the results of tests and is hopping mad at being stuck in her room. I'm hoping he has a tracker on his phone, so I can locate him... :)

Oh, sorry - the joke part: well she has to stay in her room, have her own bathroom facilities, have her own cooking facilities, she can't come near or talk to the rest of us, she can't help with anything round the house, and her room is going to get quite stuffy whilst filling up with uneaten food, drinks bottles and crisp wrappers. Same as usual, really... :)

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s-l1600-133.thumb.jpg.7ea468fbceab89129908a1a701c9d3e8.jpg

I had to put this one in the joke section: Triumph Herald 1200 for sale, £1499.00. Seriously. It's under there.

From the sellers description: 'No I won't crawl underneath to take pics for you."

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/TRIUMPH-HERALD-1200-SALOON-COMPLETE-TAX-MOT-EXEMPT-1300-ENGINE-OVERDRIVE/353180252620?hash=item523b2ef9cc%3Ag%3AR44AAOSwKWJfQ7Yh&LH_ItemCondition=4

 

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s-l1600-133.thumb.jpg.7ea468fbceab89129908a1a701c9d3e8.jpg

I had to put this one in the joke section: Triumph Herald 1200 for sale, £1499.00. Seriously. It's under there.

From the sellers description: 'No I won't crawl underneath to take pics for you."

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/TRIUMPH-HERALD-1200-SALOON-COMPLETE-TAX-MOT-EXEMPT-1300-ENGINE-OVERDRIVE/353180252620?hash=item523b2ef9cc%3Ag%3AR44AAOSwKWJfQ7Yh&LH_ItemCondition=4

 

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I love ads like that! Some are genuinely tongue-in-cheek, others are so anti-buyer you wonder why on earth they bothered, and you really feel like contacting the seller and saying: "For goodness sake, I'LL do the ad for you!"

This one I also thought was funny... NOS... only used once... 92 careful miles...

1247924090_ScreenShot2020-05-13at09_31_42.jpg.45481183564e78866c11ec2200d54de5.jpg

 

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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. 
And on and on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, 
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

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They were sat together on the couch, their legs entwined. He ran a hand delicately across her breasts, his fingers grazing a nipple. Then he continued down over her stomach, towards her crotch. He paused and gently probed between her upper thighs. She sighed He let out a small grunt of satisfaction. Then suddenly he turned away from her. “Why did you stop ?” She begged. “I found the remote control” he replied.......and then he turned on Match of The Day.

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"A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes.” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such
inept golf.” The priest said, “Here comes the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
The priest said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with the group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?.” The greenkeeper replied, “Oh yes, thats a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let  them play for free at any time.”

 

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.,” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m gonna contact my optomologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer  said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
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