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Pete Lewis
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says: "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. “With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "What the heck would they want with a plasterer then?"
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well the wife painted three large rockery stones white,,,, very white and placed them out to stop plonkers parking on the verge grass she mows each week 

they have been sitting there for a week of so well tonight just moved my car over as had the 2000 out for a polish and as i get out 

a plonker  whizzes down the road swings over my dropped entry and manages to mount all three rocks under his honda civic 

sounded like an earthquake , I said they were put there to stop idiots tearing the grass up

, oodear wot em i two do  then he asked if i had a jack ,   well no said I you should look where youre driving doing 30 in a 20 zone and not looking is the reason you made the error , and walked inside

a sneak preview out the net cutains and he used his body jack to remove one rock and then had enough grip to bang crash wallop off the last two and drove off ,   heck knows what damage he did to the underside , and he didnt seem to know why he was trying to park there either 

the world is full of complete plonkers 

now the grass is grooved by stone ploughing 

Pete

 

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7 minutes ago, Pete Lewis said:

well the wife painted three large rockery stones white,,,, very white and placed them out to stop plonkers parking on the verge grass she mows each week 

You as well??? We have an auction house three doors down, every Monday they park for miles along the road and on my grass, leaving huge trenches in the soil. I've been told that if I put stones along it, and someone gets their vehicle damaged, I may be liable for the cost of repairs unless I put large warning signs up as well. I think I'll just 'mislay' a few nail-studded planks in the soil, as it is my property, and then appear really pleased when someone finds them for me. 

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We used to have problems with drivers reversing into our drive and knocking a small wall down, until i asked a mate if he had any large rocks's. Later that day a huge rock appeared at the bottom of the drive. For about three month's it had all different colours of paint scrapes and bits of broken glass and bumper around it, now we get nothing..... And the nearest place they can back into to turn around is half a mile up the lane :)  I would get bigger rocks Pete...

Tony. 

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Yep it's going to get silly again! 

I for one was very sceptical of the Two Ronnies science yesterday. For one I noticed they didn't show Italy in the doom graphs as it would not have promoted their cause. 10pm curfew may have an effect but could just drive people to have more home raves? The idiots will find a way to get their kicks! 

Work from home, another discriminating statement against the majority of manual workers who can't! 

BoJo has definitely lost his MoJo. 

I'm now quietly sinking into my bunker to hide from the replies... 

Iain 

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22 minutes ago, Colin Lindsay said:

Local Tesco has sold out of pasta and rice, and the alcohol shelves are getting a bit bare. 

Oh dear, idiot behaviour strikes again.

Mind you, at the start of the first lockdown, when rice was sold out, we went to a Chinese supermarket in Cambridge, who had some rice in stock. We were almost out and eat quite a lot of rice so it was essential travel. It turned out they only had big bags of Jasmine, so we bought one bag - a 25kg one. There's still about a third of it left so hopefully we'll still be OK.

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