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Pete Lewis
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A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

Yep! I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man .

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
 
Pete
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If we've lowered the tone ----

The village postman was due to retire after 30 years of faithful service.

On his last day the people at the first house thanked him profusely and gave him a bottle of scotch.

The second house gave him a huge box of chocolates.

He got to the third house and was greeted by the woman of the house in a skimpy negligee who dragged him inside and made passionate love to him. After on the way out she pressed a £1 coin into his hand. What was that for he asked. "Well" she said, "when I told my husband you were retiring he said f@@@k him, give him a quid, so I have"

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Husband to wife  -   I've just been talking to the postman and he says he has had every woman down this road                                            except one.

Wife                     -  that would be that stuck up bitch at 47

 

Roger

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Paddy had gone to stay in Dublin for a few days to watch the rugby, he booked into a run-down hotel. After an hour he came storming down the stairs and marched up to reception "I'd like to change me room!" The receptionist replied "I'm terribly sorry Mr O'Murphy but with the rugby we're at full capacity so I have no other room to offer you." Paddy walked away and back up the stairs muttering under his breath. Ten minutes later he came storming back down the stairs, shouting at the receptionist "I really want to change me feckin' room I don't like it!" The receptionist replied "I am sorry Mr O'Murphy but there are no other rooms, what's wrong with it?" Paddy replied "It's on fire!"

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1 hour ago, poppyman said:

what's wrong with it?" Paddy replied "It's on fire!"

On holiday in South America with some friends a few years back, the four of us got back to our hotel to find the lift out of order and water running down the emergency stairs. Oh dear, we thought, better head up and check. So we climbed to our floor, which appeared to be where the stream was coming from, and looked along the corridor. It was running out of our friends' room. A pipe had burst in their bathroom. Luckily the hotel staff had lifted everything they could off the floor and onto tables or chairs as soon as they noticed the problem, but some of the luggage had got rather wet.

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