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Pete Lewis
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5 hours ago, clive said:

Not wanting to get into the racist thing.

It shouldn't be seen as racist. We all know modern human evolution started in Africa, so we're all descended from Africans. We have diversified, all different types of skin colours from China to America to Australia. Written history only goes back about 2000 or so years here, so 20,000 years ago we may have been covered in skins, fighting mammoths, not getting enough vitamin D, and probably more blue than white. 

As for Jesus - The best movie depiction I've yet seen is Cliff Curtis in the film Risen. AND he's of Maori descent from New Zealand.

This is getting deep for a Jokes thread. Maybe we need a deep philosophical discussions thread.

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16 minutes ago, Pete Lewis said:

yes back to jokes is a good plan 

this is for laughs not dark philosophy

Pete

Well said Pete, here goes. :) 

 

When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches!

I've been a compulsive worrier for years. My mates said. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore." "I hired a professional worrier for £1000 a week." I said. "I haven't had a single worry since." "A thousand a week!" they said. "How the hell are you going to pay him?" "I don't care. That's his problem."

 

My wife suggested we spice up our sex lives with 'doctors and nurses' role play. So I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days.

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22 hours ago, Mjit said:

Do you also raise the same complaint every time you go in a church and they've replaced the arabian guy with some blond haired, blue eyed white guy on the cross and in all the pictures of Jesus?

 

22 hours ago, NonMember said:

Ahem! Jewish.

Ahem! Jewish arabian.

Someone's religious beliefs/heritage and ethnicity are two different things.

Jesus was a man born into and brought up following the Jewish faith.  This makes his religious orientation Jewish.
Jesus was a man reportedly born in Bethlehem, a settlement at the northern end of the Arabian Peninsula.  This makes his ethnic origin arabian.
As the Roman Empire had taken Judea as a province in 31BCE you could also say he was a Roman, though not a Roman Citizen.

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22 minutes ago, poppyman said:

I've been a compulsive worrier for years.

Stop me if I ever posted this one before: BUT:

An innocent young girl is going on a date, and her mother is giving her some advice.

"Have a good evening but don't go back to his house, or he'll take you to the bedroom, lay you on the bed, take off all your clothes and climb on top of you, and then I'll be worried."

Next morning she's talking to her mother.

"Yes, we had a great evening, a lovely meal, drinks and dancing, then he took me back to his house, up to the bedroom and onto the bed. But I lay on top of him, so let HIS mother worry..."

 

 

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57 minutes ago, Pete Lewis said:

Now thats better we all need some laughs in the doom

just wish TV had some funny stuff not all the dark crime related murder mystery and dismal repeats 

bring back victor meldrew all is forgiven 

Pete

Hello All

            We bought the box set of Only Fools and Horses a few weeks ago (£25 Amazon)

What we do is watch some film or other then watch 1 or2 episodes of it before bed.

You know the sort of thing that is going to happen but still makes us laugh!

Roger

p s we recon the set will keep us going until better times or at least the spring when the sun comes out again to warm the Old Bones up!

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An old man dies and goes to heaven.

He knocks on the pearly gates

It is St,Peters day off so Jesus himself opens the door.

He looks at the old man and then says "old man what are you doing here"

"I'm looking for my son"

"Oooh" says Jesus "we have lots of sons here. Can you describe him"

"He has holes, holes in his hands, He has holes, holes in his feet. He has holes, holes in his side."

Jesus says " old man, what was you job down on earth"

" I was a carpenter"

With tears in his eyes Jesus say " Daddy"

The old man says.............................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Pinocchio"

 

Roger

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1 hour ago, Mjit said:

Someone's religious beliefs/heritage and ethnicity are two different things.

I'm well aware of that. But the Jews (sorry, Hebrews) were quite dogmatically isolationist and largely NOT the same ethnicity as any of the surrounding nations. So not arabian.

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35 minutes ago, rogerguzzi said:

p s we recon the set will keep us going until better times or at least the spring when the sun comes out again to warm the Old Bones up!

Out of sheer boredom with TV I bought Series 1 of Game of Thrones - just to see what all the fuss was about. Rapidly followed with Series 2, then 3, then right up to the last, Series 8, all ridiculously cheap off eBay, less than a fiver a series. Interesting enough, although they should have called it Game of Bones due to the nudity in some episodes.

The best fun was spotting all of the locations used, I know a lot of them, and we'd watch a sword fight or battle with my local mountains in the background, or the forest park at Tollymore, or Castleward, where the landscape was so familiar. The initial series was filmed in Banbridge, four miles away, I used to see the lampposts with 'GOT' on a placard - directions to the studio. A couple of us drove down one night and saw the outdoor sets, with the ship they used; they only ever used one, it was altered depending on whoever's ship it was, and the sea was all green-screened. In one of the episodes someone jumped overboard and I know exactly where he landed! I took this pic of one of their villages out of the window of the GT6 on a club run.

805104346_vikinghouses.jpg.a3a80cb455604963459cdb98dacdf507.jpg

 

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1 hour ago, Pete Lewis said:

Now thats better we all need some laughs in the doom

just wish TV had some funny stuff not all the dark crime related murder mystery and dismal repeats

I've been watching 'Staged' on the Beeb. Perhaps it's my sense of humour but I think it very funny - I can imagine it happening,

For slapstick any of the 'Goes Wrong' shows are brilliant - watched the first with a glass of beer in hand - couldn't drink it for laughing.

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9 hours ago, RogerH said:

The lyrics to Jerusalem are basically metaphorical used to inspire a rather depressed nation many many years ago.

Can you think of a tune nowadays that could give the same effect.

Roger

 

I might, if I could understand the lyrics these days...

My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop
So much Vossi I might open up a Vossi shop
Fake bruddas, man, your mandem will pretend (Yeah)
Pussy by himself, he's battlin' with his friends
Aww, you man are so insecure, man it's a joke (Man it's a joke)
I need a Ballon D'or, 'cause I'm the GOAT (Still the GOAT)
If you believe in your source then raise a toast (Raise a toast)
These are some genius thoughts so make the most
Told her "Save me some"

Now when I was young goats didn't need a baloon door, they needed a goat shed door. Apparrently Vossi Bop is a dance. Lord do I feel old. I think they were MY feet, in ancient time... (Loved the ELP version, by the way). I think the most recent song that I understood the lyrics of was an instrumental.

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3 hours ago, dougbgt6 said:

But I'm sure you must have done the "Turkey Trot" Collin? Or possibly in your case the "Lindy hop"

Doug

Ah..... non. The only Trots I ever had were not due to turkey. Nor did I ever do The Bartman, or - thank the powers that be - the Birdie Dance.

The Lindy hop I do every day, coming off the running machine with two knees that no longer function as they should.

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Trump dies from the virus.  He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do", says the Devil.  "You're on my list but I have no room for you.  But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.".  "I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.  I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.  I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.".  Triump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room.  Init was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.  He kept diving in and surfacinf empty handed over, and over, and over, such was his fate in Hell.  "No", said Trump, "I don't think so.  I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.".

The Devil lead him to the next room.  In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.  All he did was swing that hammer, time after time, after time.  "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened the third door.  In it Trump saw Bill Clinton laying naked on the floor with his arms stacked over his head and his legs stacked in spread-eagle pose.  Bent over him was Monika Lewinsky, doing what she does best.  Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this.".

The Devil smiled and said...

 

 

 

 

 

..."Monica, you're free to go!".

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