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Pete Lewis
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Charles ,of no particular ethnicity, is delivering a van load of monkeys to the zoo.

The van breaks down on the motorway.

He is relieved when another van pulls up 

The driver,Paddy , of no particular ethnicity, asks if can help.

“Here’s £50 for you if you will take these monkeys to the zoo for me”

Paddy  agrees and sets off with his van full of monkeys.

Charles continues to struggle to fix his van.

An hour later he sees Paddy and the van ,still full of monkeys ,  coming the other way so  he  flags  him down.

’What’s going on ?”,  he asks Paddy.

”Sure, we went to the zoo but we had money left over, so now we’re off to the cinema!”

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1 hour ago, Ian Faulds said:

I tried snooker, but when the set came all the balls were coloured not grey and white like on TV. So I couldnt understand  the instructions 🙃 

I found it was better, when I got our Colour T-V!. Never could get my head around showing Snooker in B&W🤣.

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18 hours ago, poppyman said:

Can't stand cricket it's just a bloke hitting a ball with a piece of wood, Give me snooker any day!

Reminds me of an old Les Dawson joke, person did not want a tongue sandwich as it came from an animals mouth, they had an egg instead.

Regards

Paul.

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19 minutes ago, PeteH said:

I found it was better, when I got our Colour T-V!. Never could get my head around showing Snooker in B&W🤣.

My mum could easily pick out the colours of the snooker balls in B&W - she said that she could see the colours

I think it was the pills !!!

 

Roger

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10 hours ago, 68vitesse said:

person did not want a tongue sandwich as it came from an animals mouth, they had an egg instead.

but which came first the chicken or the egg ?

Yeah I know you guys have got all the answers but are you right.. ?  Here's another take on that age old question . . .

 

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A man sees a sign at a farmhouse:

”Talking Dog For  Sale “

Intrigued, he rings the bell.

The owner  appears and says the dog can be seen in the back garden.

There he finds  a nice looking Black Labrador Retriever.

” Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.

”Yes, of course”,  the dog replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he asks, ” So .. Tell me your story! “

The dog looks up and says,”Well I discovered I could talk when I was very young.I wanted to help the Government so I joined the security services”

“ In no time at all they had me jetting from country to  country, sitting in rooms with spies and drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping”

” I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years,  but I got rather  fed up jetting around , I wasn’t getting any younger so I retired.

” After that I just did a bit of airport security work and occasionally undercover  stuff wandering near suspects and listening”

“It had been an exciting  career- I  got several medals from different countries .I settled down and had a few puppies - but now  I am fully  retired“

 The man is stunned.

He goes into the house and asks the farmer how much he wants for him.

”Ten Quid” the owner  says.

”£10 ?     but this dog is absolutely amazing ! - Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

” Because he is a lying bugger !!!
“He’s never been out of that garden! “

 

 

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A man is lost in the countryside and stops at a farmhouse to ask for directions.

As he is talking to the farmer he sees an enormous pig lying in the sun, eating happily, but realises that it only has three legs. As he watches, a woman comes out of the shed, rubs suncream on it, and hand feeds it biscuits.

"That's one spoilt pig," he remarks.

The farmer nods in agreement. "That pig is a bit of a local hero. When the mineshaft caved in, the pig heard the noise, ran for help, brought the Emergency Services back here, then helped dig the trapped men out. Not only that, when the neighbours house caught fire, the pig smelt the smoke and raised the alarm, and saved all their lives. When little Jimmy was bitten by a snake, the pig picked him up and carried him back to the Doctor's, and saved his life too."

"That's amazing! And he only had three legs."

"Oh no, says the farmer, "he had all four then."

The man looks puzzled. "So how come he's only got three now?"

The farmer smiles. "Well, a pig that clever, you don't eat him all at once."

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