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Pete Lewis
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A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London.
 
“ I vish to buy sex viz you”
 
OK says the girl “ I charge £50.00 an hour.
 
“Thats goot but I must varn you I am a little kinky”
 
“ No problem I can do a little kinky for an extra £10.00” she responds.
 
Helmut agrees.
 
So off they go to the girls flat where Helmut produces 4 large bedsprings and a duck caller.
 
“ I vant zat you tie zese spring sto each of your hans and nees.”
 
The girl finds this odd but complies fastening the springs as requested.
 
“ Now you vill get down on your hans and nees”
 
This she duly does balancing precariously on the springs.
 
“You vill please blow zis kwacker as I make love to you”
 
She thinks this even odder, but figures it harmless ( and the guy is paying).
 
However the sex is fantastic, honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say “ That was totally amazing. What do you call that position?
 
“Zat” replied the German “ is the Four-sprung Duck Technique !

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Bloke gets a dog and takes it for a walk for the first time in the country. He throws a stick but much to his horror it lands in a nearby pond, the dog goes after the stick and trots above the water retrieves it without even getting it's paws wet. The man is amazed and throws the stick again this time into the centre of the pond, again the dog fetches the stick again without getting wet at all. He repeats the experiment and observes that the dog is so skillfully tip toeing on the suface of the water it doesn't actually break through. About 10 minutes later another dog walker appears a surly Yorkshireman He demonstrated his dog's amazing gravity defying abilities. The Yorkshireman says "how much did you pay for that dog" The owner replies "about £100 why?" The Yorkshireman replies "well  you've obviously been done, it can't bloody swim"

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There was a biology student Murdock who was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clutch to the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jell. Finally, the department head talked.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”



Wait for it !


Wait for it !


“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”
 
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A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
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A traveller stops at a small country pub in Wales and orders bar food. Whilst eating he spots a small stocky man sitting in the corner, with the ugliest face he's ever seen. His face is completely flat, no nose and no chin. As he sits there a man comes in, orders a pint, and tells the barman: "One for Dai there in the corner."

Next man does the same, as does the next and the next. After Dai has received a spectacular number of pints, the traveller asks the barman what it's about.

"Dai there is a bit of a hero. He's the strongest man in the village. When the mine collapsed a few years ago, the roof was coming down and the miners were all going to be trapped, but Dai stood under the roof trusses and held them up until everyone could escape. He stood there for an hour, supporting the entire weight of the roof, until everyone escaped, then he was pulled out as the last man."

"Amazing," replies the traveller, "but what happened to his face?"

"That's where they hammered him into place with a spade."

 

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The Chav's Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, who art in prison,

even mum knows not His name,

thy chavdom come,

you'll read The Sun,

in Exmouth which is in Devon,

give us this day our welfare bread,

and forgive us our ASBOs,

as we happy slap those who got ASBOs against us,

lead us not into employment,

but deliver us free housing,

for thine is the chavdom,

the burberry and the Bacardi,

for ever and ever.

INNIT....

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A young man approaches his prospective father-in-law to ask for the hand of his daughter.

The father weighs him up, asks about his finances, his plans for the future and all sorts of other things. Eventually he reluctantly agrees.

"I'll give you permission, but it might not be plain sailing. I should tell you that she's got acute angina."

"I know," says the youth, "and her t*** are great too."

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these are the Vera days !

It's official ..  we are now in the Vera days  of this pandemic, when we all sing along . . . 

"We'll meet again, Don't know where, don't know when, But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day.
Keep smiling through, Just like you always do, 'till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away.
"

The country triumphed then, and likewise we'll all Triumph soon  B)
 

 

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Locked up again, you know where, till God knows when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day

Standing in the queue, for a jab, me and you, then it's straight back home till we're allowed to play...

 

Thee'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover, but they'll have Customs Declarations stuck on them and some EU country will claim ownership or the right to hunt them.

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1 hour ago, Colin Lindsay said:

 

Thee'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover, but they'll have Customs Declarations stuck on them and some EU country will claim ownership or the right to hunt them.

Maybe but are they arriving from the EU or leaving the UK? If leaving they'll need a certificate to prove they haven't got the English covid. 🤧

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15 minutes ago, Chris A said:

Maybe but are they arriving from the EU or leaving the UK? If leaving they'll need a certificate to prove they haven't got the English covid. 🤧

I actually think that's grossly unfair calling it the 'UK variant'. Was it not discovered in Spanish workers in Kent?

We've just had a sort of neighbour (a mile or so away) fall off a shed roof to his death, but it's recorded as a covid death as he had previously been self-isolating or whatever. No wonder we have the highest figures in Europe.

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32 minutes ago, Colin Lindsay said:

I actually think that's grossly unfair calling it the 'UK variant'. Was it not discovered in Spanish workers in Kent?

If they had called it Spanish covid people would have confused it with Spanish flu.

Kentish Covid, now that has a nice ring to it

 

 

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From: Corona (beer) - Wikipedia

CNN reported that a survey by 5W Public Relations said that 38% of Americans would not buy Corona "under any circumstances" due to association with the coronavirus outbreak, and another 14% said they would not order a Corona in public.[17] The survey of 737 American beer drinkers over the age of 21 was conducted via phone on February 25 and 26, 2020.[18] The PR firm's news release said the survey was done "regarding their opinions about the popular Mexican beer brand, Corona, as a result of the deadly COVID-19 coronavirus that's spreading around the world".[18] The company did not publish detailed methodological data.[19] The question responsible for the 38% statistic[18] did not explicitly mention COVID-19 as a motivation, which might have instead simply indicated a preference for a different brand of beer.[16] Among regular Corona drinkers, only 4% said they planned to stop drinking the brand.[16][19][20][21] In December 2020, the Guardian reported that 2020 sales of Corona had increased 40% in UK supermarkets compared to 2019.[22]

Ordering a Chinese & Corona.

 

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Fender guitars are manufactured in USA, Japan and Mexico. The most prized are made in USA in California in the city of Corona. Not looking good for my Telecaster which has Corona stamped on the neck plate. 😱

Doug

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10 hours ago, Chris A said:

If they had called it Spanish covid people would have confused it with Spanish flu.

Kentish Covid, now that has a nice ring to it

 

 

The variant from Brazil is called that because it was first found there - but its not known (AFAIK) where it first appeared.

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