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Pete Lewis
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A small boy is walking home one day when a Policeman spots him.

"What do you have there?"

The boy holds up a glass jam jar.

"And what's in it?"

"A newt" replies the boy.

"A newt!" exclaims the Peeler, "And what do you call him?"

"Tiny" replies the boy.

The Policeman frowns.

"Why do you call him Tiny?"

"Because he's my newt."

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12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: ‘There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

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"Puntarena opens his legs and shows his class" David Coleman.

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey" Brian Johnson. 

Botham stumbles and tries to avoid knocking his stumps over "He just didn't quite get his leg over"  Jonathan Agnew.

"He just didn't quite get his leg over" - Bing video

db

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On 16/03/2021 at 13:01, Chris A said:

Carry on, try Triumph 🙃

Their Resplendence Is Undeniably Many Pleasant Hours 

.

.

.

PS. substitute 'Radiance' if Resplendence is too long a word for you ;)

 

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That is Swiss German.... they actually have a sense of humor..

Most traffic infractions and many other crimes are actually fined based on how much you earn per day.

So a banker getting stopped for going 200 kmh will pay a lot more than street cleaner.

I just happen to know that parking infractions don't fall in that category so the above video is actually accurate when she pleads about "not having any money" she likely had to pay a lot.

Based on this: https://www.srf.ch/news/schweiz/1250-franken-busse-wegen-ein-paar-zentimetern

Someone parked "the width of a hand" outside a parking line had to pay over 1000€ in fines.

 

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I interviewed two young girls to be my new secretary. One, Rachel, had a huge amount of experience and qualifications just what I was looking for. Very plain looking though

The second, Julie was so pretty, but nowhere near as well qualified. Long story short, Julie got the job and I'm being sued for Rachel discrimination.

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2 hours ago, Pete Lewis said:

actions  speak a thousand words  ???

I think I've told this before.

I came out Waitrose and tried to get into my Jaguar, couldn't open the door. I dawned on me, "Is it somebody else's Jaguar?!!" I looked around and thought "Ooo look, there's a GT6 the same colour as mine, but where's my Jag?

At home fool! :wub:

Doug

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53 minutes ago, dougbgt6 said:

I think I've told this before.

I came out Waitrose and tried to get into my Jaguar, couldn't open the door. I dawned on me, "Is it somebody else's Jaguar?!!" I looked around and thought "Ooo look, there's a GT6 the same colour as mine, but where's my Jag?

At home fool! :wub:

Doug

Mr "T" moment,  when you want the ground to swallow you.

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She stops her for running a stop sign and asks for her driver's license.

The blond in the car doesn't know what that is so the police officer says "it's square and has your picture on it."

The pulls out a mirror and the police officer says "you can go. I had no idea you work for the police!"

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